| Nerd rage. Ultimate. |
[30 Jun 2009|03:55am] |
| [ |
music |
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Pearl Jam - 'Even Flow' |
] |
Dear asshat,
Where can I begin? You used to literally torture me in high school. You seemed to gain a great deal of pleasure from adding to my misery. Why? I don't know. I guess you thought it was funny to pick on someone that clearly already had enough problems. When I told our math teacher about the things you did to me, she cried. You're a sadistic scumbag, and you gave me hell.
You sprayed perfume into my face at close range. I am allergic to it, and you knew that. You and your friends laughed as I nearly choked to death trying to stumble to the nurse's office. I sat for four hours without a shirt in a tiny little room while I waited for my mom to bring me a clean shirt.
You pulled my hair so much that it started to thin, so I had to cut it.
You talked your little friends into harassing me via the internet, so that I not only had to deal with you at school, but when I got home, as well. One of your little bitch cronies thought it would be a good idea to 'remind' me that I was useless, disgustingly fat, and to tell me that I should lie down in traffic.
When I found your phone number and called you to try and make peace, you encouraged me to kill myself, and assured me that nobody would miss me, and that perhaps I should take my mother with me so she wouldn't have to be ashamed of me anymore.
You started rumors that I was going to shoot up the school.
You made a general example of me, and made my high school life more of a living hell than it already was.
Why I did not kill you is yet to be explained.
Believe me, there would be no greater satisfaction than to drive my fist into your smug face.
The faculty gave up on trying to help me put a stop to your bullshit because they were too concerned with who knows what. Whatever the case, they let it go on. And I wasn't the only one you singled out, there were other unfortunate souls that because the subject of your sick games, and as for them, I can't say if anything was ever done. I doubt it, however.
So when I graduated and left all that nonsense behind, I thought all that shit was over.
But no. Because we live in a relatively small town and there are very few places to shop, I keep running into you all over the place.
You seem to find great humor in coming up to me and pretending that we are friends.
Some news for you, motherfucker.
We are not, nor will we ever be, friends.
Not even close.
Because I'm the better person, I tried to let it go, let you go on with your pathetic, meaningless life, and me with mine.
You seem to seek me out, like some kind of parasite, and when you find me, you latch on and suck all the pleasantness out of my day.
With that said, I have a few things I'd like to 'request' of you, though this letter is written as a means of venting rather than an actual, deliverable note.
Please do not approach me in public. You are a piece of shit, and you are lucky that I do not fuck your shit all up, because I generally travel armed, and I have an anger management problem where your presence is concerned.
Again, I am the better person, so I can't say that I'd go so far as to kill you, but I don't know that I could resist the temptation to rearrange your face if given another opportunity.
Please do not talk to my mother. She is in total agreement that you are a waste of space and oxygen, and I'd rather you not shit all over her morning/afternoon/evening, whatever the case may be.
I hope you're reincarnated into some variety of slimy paramecium. It would suit you.
In the meantime, why not try doing something meaningful with your life?
Something somewhere far, far away from me. Far away from all the people that are still in this dump of a town that you made into victims.
Just, honestly, get the fuck out.
While you're at it, take your bitchy, shallow, plastic-hearted little female followers; who I seem to see hanging off you every time we meet, despite the obvious fact that you are disturbingly, overwhelmingly gay.
With all this said, I really only have one more thing to say.
Fuck you; and I hope you choke.
No love, only deep-rooted hatred that isn't often given,
Stephanie, or as you so kindly called me, "The Beast"
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| Don't let the days go by.. |
[09 Jun 2009|12:13am] |
Worthless.
Waste of space.
I can't keep pretending.
Being with friends isn't helping.
I think I'm beyond help.
I'm just so tired.
Goodnight.
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| Crazy, for thinking that my love could hold you.. |
[08 Mar 2009|11:59am] |
I know I don't update much, but then again, nobody cares, so it all sort of works out, in a sad, pathetic sort of way.
Got my thyroid tested, and it's abnormal, so more pills for me. Joy.
Trust me, I'm thrilled. Really.
Just trying to keep me head above the old metaphorical water. It's a pain in the ass. My sleep schedule is non-existent, which I'm sure doesn't help much.. Meh.
Lacking in motivation and stuff. I'm 21 now, too, so alcoholism, here I come! No, I jest, drinking in excess means I could accidentally off myself, and that would be dumb. Much fail, and whatnot.
For the most part, I just want to curl up and be safe and warm in bed, but hey, that could just be because I haven't slept yet. Stupid daylight savings, fucking everything up.
I guess that's really all I have.
Sorry.
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| wwwhhhhhaaaaa |
[24 Feb 2009|05:29am] |
Dear World of Warcraft boys,
Yes, I know, a girl playing WoW is a miracle in itself. One with an actual personality that isn't a girlfriend playing to appease her man is nothing short of a sign of the apocalypse.
This does not mean that I am a piece of meat, and you do not have the right to act like ankle biters and hump my e-leg.
I do not know you. If I am friendly to you, that does not give you license to call me 'baby' or 'hun' in conversation.
When we are in a group, do not act like I am the queen of Sheba and force everyone to do what I want to do. I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself, ha.
Just because you lift your puppy leg and try to pee on me and mark me as claimed, doesn't mean it's actually happened. I just so happen to consider myself taken, and therefore, to put it bluntly... DO NOT WANT.
Please stop humping my e-leg.
No love, just lots of aggravated sighs and temple-rubbing,
Koribot
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| What seems to be is always better than nothing... |
[15 Feb 2009|03:30am] |
| [ |
music |
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Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down |
] |
I know, I know, that last update was rhetoric and analogy out the ass, and no updates since.
Been sort of putzing about, trying to keep my mind in order. The medications seem to help... but only to a point. I know, a lot of it is about state of mind, but when your state of mind is about as stable as a school bus fire, it's really really difficult.
I'm trying to keep positive, and focus on the things that make me happy, and if I can find a way to maintain that happy mood, I'll be okay until my brain decides to mentally fuck me over... again.
I think the boy and I have come to a silent understanding of one another... one of those very complicated things that I find myself unable to explain to others, though at this point I honestly don't give a shit what they think, since most of the time their advice kind of sucks. They're my friends, so I do listen, even if I don't take the advice they offer. I do love that boy, though. He's damned adorable, and even though he's a male and by default has a hard time showing it, I really think he does love me.
The whole... friends fucking failing to contact me thing is fazing me less and less, as I've found other ways to occupy my time, such as rotting the brains right out of my skull with old TV shows; namely, Tales from the Crypt. Scared me bigtime as a kid, but now it's just full of win and awesome.
Hopefully I'll get around to updating a few fics soon, just haven't really had any particular inspiration.. But I know I'll do it when I'm ready, and it'll knock peoples' socks off, so no worries there.
I'm going to be 21 in a couple weeks... Aaaagghhh life was so much less complicated five or ten years ago. Biggest worry then was tomorrow's homework. Now there's gas and bills and jobs and credit scores and what the shit?
I'm doing my best to stay on top of all those things, and I think I'm doing a fair job.. Yes, I know, I don't have a job, and blah blah, inset snide underhanded comments here, then shut the fuck up. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row so I can successfully hold a job, not jump into the shark pool headfirst without preparing myself with this or that type of mental attitude.
Seeing as how I still think of myself as a worthless pile, I don't think I've reached that point yet. I'll get there eventually.. maybe... hopefully... Grah!
I just need people to do their best to put up with me, and I'll be okay.
Seeing as how it's now 3:41 AM, I should try to finish up a few other things, then try and get some sleep.
The whole... sleep schedule thing is out the window. If my body wants to be nocturnal, so be it. It's not hurting anything, so long as I get the recommended amount of sleep. Yay sleeping during the day!
Anyhow, that's all I've got.
Am I more than you bargained for yet?
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| Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead, but now it's like the night is taking sides... |
[29 Jan 2009|06:11am] |
I've been thinking a lot lately, about how society as a whole has both evolved and devolved, all within the span of a few hundred years. We've started on a massive downhill slide, and the slope may be too steep to climb again.
We've raised up these great scholars and teachers and righteous leaders, and yet we've only remembered their names and not what they stood for. We've thrown aside the ways of old, and all these shiny new things we've created to better our world could be what ultimately damns us as a whole. Though we've made metric fucktons of beneficial discoveries (as in, no, the Earth really isn't flat and we most definitely will not fall off the edge of we go too far) would we really have been hurt if we hadn't learned that?
Picture yourself alive, oh, say, 700 years ago. There were no huge skyscrapers, no clouds of viscous pollution over major metropolises, only morning fog as it rolled over grassy highlands, or dust as it swept prairies. In those times, people didn't put quite so much stake in money, and in contrast to the way people fight so viciously to hold onto their possessions; take each other to court and sue each other penniless, people still managed to get what they needed to survive. There were fewer people and so many more resources, and despite all the war that raged, it still pales in comparison to Hiroshima, or Nagasaki, or the Holocaust. The plague killed nearly 75% of ALL people living on the planet, and they managed to rebuild their lives without the use of vaccines, or life support, or overpaid doctors to scratch their heads and dole out pills. People were not concerned with which expensive cell phone to buy, or what color to paint their Lexus, or whether or not they think they need breast implants.
There were no advertising wars, no Superbowl feud over which commercial was more expensive or amusing. There was no talk of violent video games warping the minds of children. Violence was a widely accepted part of life, and there were no lawyers to rustle money out of guilty parties: there was either vigilante justice, or none at all.
With advances in technology comes a fueling of blood lust. We're spending our time creating more efficient killing machines and bigger and better fucking washing machines and more computer space to hold all your MUSIC and your videos instead of saving our dying planet; and though it would have eventually inevitably died anyway, we've managed to shave perhaps several THOUSAND years off of its lifespan. We're a technologically dependent society. Back in the old times, people were content to watch sunrises and take walks in vast expanses of forest, or even just to sit in front of a fire and just BE for a while. It sounds simplistic, but that is because we, as a society, even the poorest of the poor, are spoiled fucking rotten.
Today, people can't go for a few hours without the use of a cell phone, or become frenzied when they cannot watch television or listen to their music players.
Not at all to say I'm not one of those people, but that is because I, like every single one of you reading this, have been raised to be dependent upon machines. I love my iPod as much as the next consumer whore, but would I die without it? No.
We love to put a price tag on everything. If it is there, there is a price for it, and someone somewhere is going to earn a profit from it. Money is so valuable, and despite what anyone has to say about the economy, when you put into play the fact that you could trade your youngest daughter for today's equivalent of $10,000 and all the cows and chickens you'd ever need, money suddenly gains a great deal of power. It's not at all the physical aspect at all. Money is made of mulch and ink; in itself unimpressive. It's the fact that if you have money, you suddenly become important, and by today's standards, better than everyone else. If I have more money than you, I own you; or at least, that's how it works these days.
You'll hear me keep referring to 'the old days'. In those times, the people that ruled were either brought into power by acts of courage (like the Spartans), or by somehow invoking fear into the masses. If you were deemed 'holy' by birthright, people feared what would happen if they did not follow you. If you followed, and brought food and offerings and pretty women (who in those times were treated VERY well), you were a-okay in the rulers' book, and your life was relatively uncomplicated.
If you did not agree, there was none of this 'I-exist-so-I-get-to-go-against-whatever-I-want-even-if-I'm-wrong' bullshit, you either saw the other side of the issue (or at least pretended to), or you died. When there weren't wars being waged over who had the 'correct' opinion of something, life was relatively smooth, as long as everyone went with the flow.
Nowadays, people are so busy making waves over the fact that they CAN go against the flow that they sometimes forget why they're doing it in the first place. There are many justified causes that go 'against the grain', and I mention it only because one of them is a personal struggle for me.
Women were valued, though many times treated more like property than people. Women were not expected to break their backs to prove themselves to anyone. They were not expected to be beautiful, or rail thin, or to have successful careers. Women were generally denied the right to work, but still given exceptional treatment by whatever man took them for a wife.
If you were a fat, hourglass shaped female, you were sought after by several men, because that was a sign of fertility, and was considered by many to be beautiful in its own right. The ability to bring life into the world was a very valuable thing in times when heirs were important, but also when people were more spiritual and life itself was valued; not how much money or prestige that life earned. Big women were considered wealthy and healthy, and skinny women were automatically listed as sickly, and many small women were unable to survive childbirth, and so were limited to prostitution, harlotry, or becoming a midwife or servant to aforementioned prized women.
Today beauty has a number tacked onto it. The higher the number, the less appealing you become. That number is weight. Over time, the media has shaved inches off the waistlines of our female 'role models', but why? Marilyn Monroe was a size sixteen, and even today teenage boys and thirty-something men alike plaster their walls with posters of her, infamous in her white dress that clung to her hourglass figure. If men wanted women with the angles and dips of prepubescent boys, they'd seek out prepubescent boys (and in some cases, they do just that). It used to be instinct to seek out larger females, but with the way society has devolved, that instinct has been beaten into submission. If you are dating the woman with the largest breasts and the smallest waist, you automatically win some sort of invisible prize. There is a similarity between then and now, however: many marriages contain a husband and a trophy wife. Trophy wives then were treated like royalty, regardless of their physical size, or if they had a horse's ass for a face.
To become a trophy wife in today's world, you must be no larger than 160 pounds (soaking wet), and have pearly white teeth, perky breasts, long legs, flat stomach, long legs shaved as naked as the day you were born, or you need not apply. for the most part, we ugly, fat women of the world, are resigned to guilty one night stands or pity dates, despite the fact that we have not spent time on our outer selves and instead nurtured our personalities. There are lots of lucky ugly ducklings that find love and marry and live out a comfortably-ever-after. Most of the time, however, it just doesn't work that way, because men are fighting their instinct to try and maintain a popular reputation. Long ago, that wasn't important. If someone didn't like a man, he had the right to kill that someone, just because he felt like it. There was personal honor, not group reputation.
With that said, I plead with the men of the world: stop fighting your instinct, and stop letting yourself be brainwashed by Maxim and Sports Illustrated.
Women all over the world are suffering endlessly because they are treated like lesser beings because they carry extra pounds, when they are clearly just as sexually, mentally, and emotionally capable as the nearest size 0.
For those that pulled a tl;dr, FAT WOMEN NEED LOVE TOO, SO STOP BEING SHALLOW AND LOVE THEM.
ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED OR DESERVE IT MOST OF THE TIME.
:D
I think I've prattled long enough. Food for thought.
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| WHORES |
[17 Dec 2008|11:34pm] |
Dear promiscuous teens and pre-teens,
Good old Kori is going to learn you some common sense.
To begin, ladies, a strip of cloth does not constitute a skirt. You are also too young, and therefore do not have the breasts to properly wear your low-cut hooker tops, and even if you did, you're still too young to flaunt yourselves in high school like a piece of meat dangling in a lion pen.
Sex is not a race. If you are the first person to lose your virginity in your particular group, that does not make you cool, awesome, or hot. It makes you an easy whore, and last time I checked, that is not something to be proud of. If you're going to have sex, at least wait until you're old enough to DRIVE.
Also, is it really that hard to buy condoms? I mean, if you're going to be stupid enough to have sex so young, it would also make sense for you to be stupid enough to fail to wrap the twinkie and get yourself knocked up, but really, a lot of schools and doctors offer condoms to morons like you.
If you are dumb enough to get pregnant >16, do not flaunt your belly or infant as though it is the one and only thing you ever wanted. Chances are, it was a drunken backseat gropefest gone awry when your fumbling, oversexed 'boyfriend' forgot the wrinkled rubber in his low-hanging ass pocket. Your parents will most likely do most of the caring for your child, so shut the hell up about what 'wonderful' parents you are, when you can barely take care of your own damn self.
If for some reason you actually ATTEMPTED to get pregnant, then you are a societal failure and should be slapped. This is not the 1500's, and you are not marrying a nearby vassal's son so your fathers can share their land. Girls your age were not raised to know how to care for a child. No, instead you've all been raised to be money-grubbing, technologically needy media zombies. What a nice world we live in!
Wise up, ladies. Dress like women who want to get somewhere on their personalities, not by how much skin you can show without actually being naked.
As for you boys, pull your damn pants up. Nobody wants to see you waddling around trying to keep your tattered pants from dropping to your ankles. Here, here's five bucks. Go to Wal*Mart and buy a fucking belt.
- Kori
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| sliuefbaib |
[28 Nov 2008|01:32pm] |
Dear fluffy grey kitten,
I'm sorry that when I was playing with the litter of kittens my friend is fostering that I couldn't hold you, or really even look at you. You look exactly like my baby that I had to put down last year, and when I did try to hold you, I started to cry. You're a sweet, darling little baby, so it wasn't your fault. I know you'll find a wonderful forever home, so don't mind weepy old me.
Bittersweet love,
Kori
---
Dear fluffy calico kitten,
You're an evil little thing, aren't you? That's okay, I like 'em ornery.
I'd love to make my home your forever home, but right now, I already have three lovely ladies, and it's just not in the cards for us to have any more. You're sweet enough to put someone into a diabetic shock, so I know you'll find no problem getting a loving home.
Love and scritches,
Kori
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| MUY GRANDE TACO BURRITO |
[19 Nov 2008|12:28pm] |
Dear ignorant foreigners,
It makes me rage bigtime when you think it's a super awesome great fun idea to come to another country and, rather than doing the socially proper thing and learning that country's language and customs first, sort of plop yourself down in the middle of everything and expect people to accept it.
I understand English is a difficult language to learn, as even many people who speak it as their primary language have trouble with it. But does that make it okay to not even try? No.
If I decide that America sucks and that I want to move to someplace far away, let's say, Germany, I will try my very best to learn the language and standard customs for casual living in Germany. I'm not just going to take the first available flight out there and smile and hope the Germans will learn to deal with it because I SAID SO.
So, please, for the love of whatever deity you call your own, speak English, or go home.
Losing patience swiftly,
Koribot
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| And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.. |
[26 Oct 2008|05:51am] |
Got my online radio show started again, which is both a plus and a minus. Plus, because it can be quite fun. Minus because I find myself feeling like an ass afterward, like I'm wasting space and time.
Because this is my journal, I am going to use it to put these angry, shredding feelings somewhere before they eat me alive. If you don't like it, and you've stumbled across this page in error, please get lost. Just go. Click the little fucking red 'x' in the corner, and go somewhere else.
I feel like... like I'm sinking into this deep pool of sludge, and no matter how hard I struggle, I can't get out of it. Everything is getting so heavy, and I can't seem to keep my head above water; but my mouth is full of the viscous sludge and the things I want to say get garbled and nobody can understand me.
It's killing me that my friends are moving farther and farther away, my oldest, closest friends having long replaced me with newer and better, and I've never been good with getting replaced... Abandonment issues have always plagued me, and it's something I'm trying very hard to deal with. It's also starting to feel like nobody honestly gives a damn, like they're just going through the motions out of obligation rather than want. Whenever someone hurts me, or wrongs me, I am very quick to forgive them. I forgive, yes, but I do not ever forget. And I find myself sometimes wishing I could, just once, hurt someone in retribution for what they have done to me; just to see how they like it, see if they give a shit.
It's so frustrating, watching people that I care about suffer, when there isn't anything I can do. When I care about someone, it's all, or nothing. It's almost never the same way from them, though. So many times I have dropped everything for someone, just to try and make them smile. I don't see that from anyone these days.
They say if you love something, let it go, etc... I think I have to let go, before I really do lose my mind. I'm such a burden to him. I'm a pathetic waste of his time, I know that. There is only one thing I can say for myself where he is concerned: I really do love him, truly and purely. But it isn't what he needs, I suppose; and I guess it isn't fair to love someone these days and want nothing but their reciprocation and company in return. It confuses people, because today there are always so many strings attached. But I really do have to let go, and if he comes back, then I can pick up the pieces and see where I stand.
Forgive the melodrama, but, why does it have to hurt so much...?
My heart is sick, and I do not know how to heal it.
It's been a long night, hasn't it? Perhaps you should sleep. Close your eyes, and push these ugly thoughts aside. Think of those things that bring you the purest joy, and bask in them as you drift away to sleep, tucked safely between warm blankets, with felines at the foot of your bed.
Lift the veil of darkness that weighs down your mind and just... relax. None of this triviality matters, just for tonight. Enjoy the warmth, the comfort, of those things, and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a little better.
The way the fuzzies love you, even when it feels like nobody else does.
The way it feels to laugh with close friends, really really laugh.
How the wind feels as it blows through your hair.
The way she purrs, just because she can.
How it feels to watch the sun rise.
How good he always smells.
His smile.
......It's going to be a long week......
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| THIS JUST IN!!!!! |
[06 Oct 2008|12:22am] |
Religulous was fantastic.
Religious or not, this is a must-see film.
Rarely do I ever leave a theater with my mouth hanging open from the thought-provoking statements rather than sheer stupidity that a movie offers.
I won't give any 'spoilers', though, not that a documentary of this type can really... have spoilers.
This movie can be enjoyed by open-minded people, both religious and non-religious.
Bill Maher is a likable interviewer, and really did his homework before setting out to prod people about religion, and why people believe what they believe. He also stands firm in his own beliefs and upon his own moral ground, and spoke for many a skeptical non-believer in many of the questions he posed to various religious sects. He was not afraid to speak his mind, which is pivotal going the places he goes and questioning the people he does.
He also explains a bit of his own heritage, and how he came to the state of mind that he has concerning religion, which gives the entire film a more personal note. Here is a man publicly questioning popular culture, not merely for a paycheck or for shock value, but because he really wants answers to his (and many other peoples') burning, age-old questions.
If you're looking for a film to see that doesn't involve beer-guzzling, sex-crazed teenagers or roid-raging serial killers stalking clueless, petite post-adolescents, but instead want something thought-provoking and realistic.... see Religulous.
That is all.
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| This masquerade is getting older... |
[23 Sep 2008|01:12pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Queen - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" |
] |
Re-injured my back doing something dumb, so I've been at home a lot, lying around and wishing I wasn't.
Tried to get some exercise in, only made myself more sore and pissed off. It's frustrating, just being stuck in the house, but I know if I want my back to get better in any sort of timely manner, I have to let it heal without adding further strain.
Perhaps I'll update a few fics while I'm incapacitated. That'd be a fun thing to waste a few hours on. My fans have been e-mailing me for weeks, demanding updates. It's nice to be appreciated, if only by people that I'll never meet. Heh..
In other recent events, been spending more and more time with the wolf. It's fun, at least for me. I don't know for sure how much he enjoys it, honestly, since anyone can say anything and think another. I know that firsthand; just how deceiving outward actions can be. In any case, I really enjoy my time with him, not just because of my deep-rooted feelings for him, but because he's one of the rare people that I feel I can relax and be myself around. It's hard to find that in friends these days, and I can count the number of such people on one hand.
I'm still sort of lost on what to do about that whole... unrequited such and such nonsense, but I'm learning to accept the fact that it is what it is, and I can't change it. It's painful, yes, but it's also a learning experience, in some ways. Does anyone ever really know for sure what other people think of them? Even if someone looks into your eyes and promises you things; the stars, the moon, shining redemption in their arms (lol jesus?), how do you know they mean it? Just something I've been musing on, since I'm stuck in the mud of the 'friend zone', and going absolutely nowhere fast.
I like to think that I'm a good friend. When a friend is upset, I drop everything to try and make it better. I play therapist for my friends quite often, and it gives me a very rewarding sense of further closeness with them; like my friendship can be more beneficial to them.
But when the tables are turned, and I need someone to listen to me, there seem to be a lot of sighs and eyes being rolled towards the ceiling in an "Oh, not again" sort of gesture. I understand that I'm a walking psychological mess, but when you needed someone's shoulder to cry on; when you needed someone to pay attention to you and give you the validation and vindication you sought, I was there. When you were angry and had nobody to lash out at, I made myself a punching bag so that you could empty your aching heart.
Now it's your turn, guys. Step up and be the friends you claim to be.
Turnabout is fair play, as they say.
What will you do if I just... stop listening?
Will you fall apart like I have?
....Not that I could stand to do that, but in all seriousness, think hard on it. Where would some of you be without me? I understand some of you better than anyone else ever can, because I have taken the time to listen to you and help you pick up the pieces of your broken exploits. I would expect you to have the courtesy to do the same.
With that laid out in plain view, I'm also realizing that a lot of people that I used to be close to have moved on to their own devices, and though I fought hard to hold onto them at first, I'm beginning to simply watch as they move further and further away from me.
It's sad, but such is the way of all things. I guess that means I'm growing up, if I'm not fighting tooth and nail to hold on to those I love dearly. If it's their prerogative to go on to bigger and better things... bigger and better people... then I send them off with my best wishes. I would just hope they'd cast a glance my way every once in a while, if our time together meant anything at all.
In happier, less morose news, my mother passed her CNA course, and received her certificate, so now perhaps we won't be as FUCKING POOR. LOLOLOL.
My new doctor is going to try and take me off as many meds as he can, which will be very nice, since I've been on meds for... like... nine years straight. It sucks, my poor body really needs a detox period. My new therapist is also a breath of fresh air, she's young and bright and much less of a fucking drag than my old one. Seriously, sometimes my old therapist was so stuffy I just wanted to hang her up outside and beat her with a broom like an old rug.
But I think I've rambled enough for one afternoon... but I will leave you with this, and if you love me, you'll fucking do it. >O
Basics:
Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hair (color and style):
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:
OTHER:
1. Where would we go on dates?
2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists?
3. Do you drink/smoke??
4. Do you like the beach?
5. If so...would you go with me late at night?
6. Do you like movies?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night?
8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie?
9. If not what would we be doing?
10. Do you play an instrument?
11. If so...what?
12. Would you call me right after we saw each other to make sure I made it home alright?
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?
14. Favorite body part on a gurl/guy?
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself?
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)?
17. Would you give me kisses just because?
What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I wanted to have sex with you:
I touched your ass:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I pissed you off:
What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Manners:
Friends:
Decisions:
Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Buy me a birthday gift:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Keep in touch:
Make me a snack:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Makeout with me:
Hold me in times of need:
Ditch me: hell
Use me: hell
ask me out:
Date me:
Makeout with me whenever you had the chance:
Hold me and make my problems go away:
W0ULD Y0U...
[] go out with me?
[] give me your number?
[] kiss me?
[] let me kiss you?
[] watch a movie with me?
[] take me out to dinner?
[] drive me somewhere?
[] make love to me?
[] take a shower with me?
[] be my bf?
[] hug me?
[] buy me food?
[] take me home to meet your parents?
[] would you let me sleep in your bed if i didn't have one?
[] sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
[] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[] give me a piggyback ride?
[] come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
D0 Y0U...
[] think im cute?
[] want to kiss me?
[] want to cuddle wit me?
[] want to hook up with me?
ARE WE...
[]aquintences?
[] friends?
[]in a relationship?
[] gonna have kids?
AM i...
[] smart?
[] cute?
[] funny?
[] cool?
[] intersting to talk to?
HAVE Y0U EVER...
[] thought about me?
[]thought there might be an "us"?
[] thought about hookin up with me?
[] found yourself wanting to kiss me?
[]wished i were there?
ARE Y0U...
[] happy you know me?
[] mad at me?
[] thinkin bout me?
[] going to repost this so that i will return the favor
|
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| A quote. |
[17 Sep 2008|12:31pm] |
|
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen Roberts
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| The double vision I was seeing has finally cleared.. |
[06 Sep 2008|08:42pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Maroon 5 - "Harder to Breathe" |
] |
Posting is becoming a rarity. IT'S OKAY, LOL, NOBODY READS THIS CRAP.
Well, okay, someone read it, and it didn't end well.
But still. Meh.
Still dealing with multiple predicaments. Per the usual, I continue to make an ass of myself on a nigh daily basis with my insatiability in terms of loneliness. Not just for one, but for many. I've tried on several occasions to push people away so as not to upset them, and they get more upset by that than anything else. It puzzles me.
Also, I'm torn between EW I'M GROSS AND I BLIND PEOPLE WITH MY UGLY and BUT BIG GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO.
When people compliment me, it is my very first instinct to correct them. There is nothing worth complimenting, at least nothing that I can usually see. It's years of bullying lodged into my brain. I guess when you're brought up to think something, it's very difficult to change that train of thought.
Low self-esteem is something I've been working very hard to correct, but despite all my efforts, it is still ingrained into my feeble little mind like a brand.
It not only frustrates me, but everyone who comes into contact with me.
Somewhere deep down, I think I appreciate the compliments, but it gets jumbled between brain and mouth and I wind up word-vomiting self-hate.
So, to everyone that puts up with me, keep doing what you're doing. It's not you, it's me and my hefty suck factor ruining things.
I'm smart and I dance with little apparel in the rain.
Leave some, faggots.
|
|
| In my eyes, indisposed, in disguises no one knows... |
[21 Jul 2008|03:13am] |
I have come back to this quiet place to attempt to gather my thoughts, and yet all I want to do is scream; scream my rage and pain and hate into the emptiness of this room.
Why is the heart such a stubborn, foolish thing..?
You can muffle it and bury it and soothe and coddle it and still it cries out for something it can never have, akin to a dying soul crying out for a second chance..
Perhaps to stab it is a better option... Yes, then of course, hello darkness, my old friend..
You see, ma petite, my problem is that no matter how hard I try and wrench its bloody fingers; to pry them away from what it holds, my heart cannot and will not seem to let go. I feel as though teetering on the edge of a great precipice, one of madness and despair, and it will take but one word; one breath to send me tumbling into an endless spiral of uncertainty and darkness.
Again with the darkness. How quaint.
I have tried with every ounce of my being to make myself forget about the wolf. To make myself hate the wolf. To send him back into the night from whence he came, with his quiet fierceness that always seems to amaze me. His timid beauty, the deep-rooted fire that burns within; these are among the things I admire most. He is my alpha, and I am diminished from a great, frigid beauty to a groveling mongrel when in his presence. It both fascinates and sickens me.
It is eating me alive; this unrequited emotion, this unyielding damnation of my heart.
This conundrum, among others, is what has pushed me closer and closer to madness.
I fear I am truly dying on the inside, not of physical wounds, per se, but of a tired and broken heart.
This heartache is swallowing me whole.
My apologies, my dears, I know you do not want to hear of such nonsense, but I must put these feelings down somewhere, lest they tear their way out of me.
Perhaps to sleep is the best choice... Yes, yes, to close my eyes, and to sleep in silent lucidity until my heart is able to mend itself..
Hello darkness, my old friend...
|
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| This place feels so unfamiliar... And yet I know it well... |
[03 Jul 2008|02:49am] |
Dear self,
I know it's been eight years. Eight years ago it was a cute schoolgirl crush, and it developed into something both beautiful and torturous.
You watched him love another woman, and others in between, and even though he didn't know it, it meant something to you when you gave him the one thing you could only give up once: your virginity; your 'innocence'.
That was almost two years ago, and you haven't done it again since.
He's the only one you trust to be that close to you and not hurt you, since in all technicality, you lost your virginity to a knife. But you've come so far since then, and he doesn't know it, but he's helped a lot. He's helped you heal all those old wounds another boy left behind.
But it's killing you inside to keep loving him the way you do. Can't you see that?
He does love you, but he isn't in love with you.
I know you've tried to let him go and your heart has an iron grip.
Sometimes it hurts you just to look at him and not know if it's okay to get close; but sometimes it brightens the darkest day just to see him smile.
I know you sometimes feel wrong, and in this moment of clarity, you're writing to remind yourself that the heart wants what the heart wants, and that the way you feel is completely okay.
It's okay to love him.
It's really okay.
You'll be okay, you're stronger than you know.
Love and a nudge in the right direction,
Yourself, suddenly thinking clearly at 3 AM.
|
|
| Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life? |
[21 Jun 2008|03:20am] |
Dear boy,
Get a clue.
I really DO NOT enjoy crying whenever I see you. It makes me feel stupid, and weak, and I hate you for it.
So why do I love you?
Meh.
After nearly 8 years, I still don't have the answer to that.
Maybe I'll never know.
I guess I'm just pathetic.
- Kori
Dear STUPID boy,
No, I still will not sleep with you.
YOU'RE ENGAGED.
GET. A. CLUE.
die in a fire, kthx, bai
- Steph/Kori
Dear self,
Seriously, you suck.
Die of some freak natural cause, since you're not into that whole emo-suicide crap.
kthx.
- You
Dear meds,
Why don't you ever work?
I hate you, so, so hard.
- Steph
|
|
| Maybe I'll get a shotgun, yeah, Try to blow her right outta my head... |
[17 Jun 2008|10:05pm] |
Dear friends,
Why is it so hard to call me?
I mean, are you all so fucking daft that pressing seven buttons has become an awful horrible difficult thing to do?
I'm SO tired of putting forth all the effort, and no matter how many times I tell you that you need to meet me halfway, none of you seem to get it. Some friends you are.
And when I don't call you for a few days, it doesn't mean I've died.
It means I've gotten sick of your shit and that I'm taking care of ME, instead of sucking up to all of you in hopes you'll 'grace' me with your time.
I need to find better friends.
You can all suck my nonexistant pen0r,
That one girl, what was her name again? OH YEAH, YOUR BEST FRIEND OF SEVERAL YEARS in most cases
---------------------------------------------------
Dear stupid boy,
Well, you're certainly in a pickle, aren't you?
Your psycho girlfriend that you keep trying to cheat on with me thinks you proposed.
Wait, you're trying to BLAME it on me?
If I'd 'just slept with you', it wouldn't be happening?
.....The fuck?
Grow some huevos, dude, use all the macho man talk and turn it into action.
If you don't want to marry the crazy lady, then tell her, don't slink around and whine about it to other people. Even if she is crazy, she's still a human being, and that's not fair to her at all.
I didn't sleep with you BECAUSE you have a girlfriend. I may be a bigger girl, but I am a DAMN FINE plus-sized girl and I don't need to settle for the first jerk that throws himself at me.
I have morals, kthx.
You thought I wasn't giving you any before? Well, honey, you sure as shit aren't getting any from me now.
Way to go, fail sauce.
Definitely not your callgirl, but you sure seem to think so when you call me at 6:30 am when your girlfriend leaves for work,
Steph
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